I missed a call from my sister just before I left church on Sunday. I had just talked to her Thursday and Friday, so I was curious as to this random call. (Side note: I was able to stay for 2 of 3 hours of church! Sitting upright and in a lady-like position for very long is still quite painful.)
She called later Sunday and when I asked her what was up she said, "Are you doing okay?"
I said, "Yes, why?"
She said, "You haven't updated your blog in awhile."
She was right.
I've kind of been in that "I want to blog but I feel like I'll just be complaining" kind of state for a few days.
And I don't want to be a complainer, although I think feeling like this is just a normal part of life from time to time.
And maybe my experiences might help someone else.
So here I go...
I had my six week post-op check up on Friday. I went with a list of questions to ask my doctor. We had to wait longer than normal for him to come into the exam room, and when he came in he said, "I'm really sorry, but we're going to have to rush a bit today. I've got a baby with some heart rate issues at the hospital."
"Oh no," I said.
I then told him I had some questions for him and asked if I could email them to him?
He said, "What are they?"
#1 "Running?"
"When you're ready."
So not ready yet. The thought of even minimally minimal jostling right now about sends me into orbit.
#2 "Strength training (read: abs!!!)?"
"When you're ready."
#3 "Sleeping? Or lack thereof?"
He wanted further information so I told him about the hot flashes. Mine aren't as bad as I've heard that other women experience, but still...
He suggested I start taking a supplement with soy and black cohosh in it. John and I stopped at our CVS on the way home and the pharmacist was so helpful! She showed me a vitamin supplement that also has black cohosh and soy in it that she has given to other women that works really well. And she said she did her final paper in pharmacy school on black cohosh, so I feel like she knew what she was talking about.
We shall see. It's only been 3 days since I started taking the supplement, but I'm thinking positive thoughts. :o)
#4 (The biggie) "Pain?"
We then talked about my pain. I showed him where it was and he said that I will still have post-op pain for awhile, but he also reminded me that he had to leave one part of my female anatomy (don't want to get too TMI here) because it was attached to another crucial part of my anatomy, which meant that I still have some adhesions in me. He said it was just too dangerous to remove that part of my anatomy, and I totally trust his decision.
I knew that he had left that part of my female anatomy, but until he said that, I totally hadn't put the two together: part of female anatomy covered in adhesions + not removing it = remaining adhesions.
Ugh.
That realization was a lot bit of a kick in the gutt for me, because we have no way of knowing if this pain that's related to the remaining adhesions will eventually go away. Or not.
The not knowing part is frustrating for me since I thought this surgery would be the end of the pain I'd been experiencing the past few months, and that after the surgery pain was gone I'd be good to go.
So I guess we will see. I have my "official" annual exam with my OB the end of July, so I'm sure we'll discuss this more.
The other issue I've been dealing with is not knowing what pain is normal, what pain means I'm overdoing it, and what pain is connected to the remaining adhesions.
It makes my head spin a bit.
My mom keeps reminding me that I was a total mess inside and that healing from removing the mess is going to take some time. And to be patient.
I am so not good at being patient.
And I especially don't want to over do it because that will lead to more adhesions or make the remaining ones worse.
And I do not want to go through another surgery. Which might not even be an option.
See how I don't deal well with not knowing?
I wish there was a table they'd give you after surgery to specifically tell you what you can and cannot do. But I guess that would be hard since each surgery is unique.
But still...
So I'm still taking it a bit easy, trying to add in new things slowly, leaving some things for my family to do (they've been so awesome!), and trying to be patient with myself.
That last one is so. very. hard.
Because I so want to get back to my "normal" life.
I'm feeling very restless.
I am very aware that hitting the 6 week mark did not mean that I could magically all of a sudden go back to doing everything I normally do. But I also thought that things would be closer to "normal."
I was wrong.
I was expressing to John, through tears the other night (I forgot to talk with my doctor about the emotions thing), how I'm tired of not feeling like myself and how I sometimes feel like a whimp because I can't do everything I'm used to doing and things I feel like I should be doing, and how I still have to be dependent on others (mostly my family).
I am so not good at being dependent.
He lovingly told me to remember that it has only been 6 weeks (a very long 6 weeks!), that I need to take the time to let my body heal (or I'll pay for it later), and that I am not a whimp.
I've been reading posts on one of my new favorite websites - hystersisters.com (a site for women who have or will have a hysterectomy) - and I'm realizing that I'm not alone in how I've been feeling. I'm also learning a lot about the experiences of other women who have gone through my surgery.
And it has been so helpful.
The resounding thought that many women have shared is that we only get one chance to heal correctly and that we need to give ourselves permission to take the time to heal correctly. No matter how long it takes.
So, this has been my "healing" corner of the world for the past 6+ weeks:
I pretty much have everything I need: laptop, remotes, phones, stuff to read, crochet stuff, and the awesome blanket my girls made for me while I was in the hospital the last time. It's all worked pretty well. I've even been working a bit - I do John's monthly regional newsletter and I've just been asked to start doing the quarterly corporate newsletter, so I've also been working on that. I can work for awhile and then rest for awhile (you know, that sitting for too long thing). It's pretty near perfect.
And Diane and I went walking for the first time yesterday! We walked for 30 minutes and I did okay. I had some extra pain yesterday afternoon, but I expected that. We're going to walk three days a week until I feel like running again. I must admit, it is much cooler to walk than to run right now. Maybe we won't start running until the weather cools off. :o)
And this weekend I'm going to help Kam make a skirt and we're also working on a couple of cute purses the girls found on pinterest. And we're getting Kailen ready to go to her first EFY next week. She is very excited!
So I guess I'm slowly (very slowly!) returning to "normal," and I'm trying to give myself permission to heal, so that I will be back to "normal" sooner rather than later.
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